“What’s that sound I
am hearing?”
“What sound?”
“I thought I
heard something like miaow, miaow…”
“Oh my cats…oh yes…”
“Are you now
breeding cats?”
“Not really. But I have just joined a group of concerned
Nigerians who are planning to go to the Presidential Villa in Abuja to help
sort out this issue of rats that invaded the President’s office and chased him
out of his office as the BBC reported.”
“You mean you
believe that story?”
“Nobody knows what to believe in this country anymore, but
we are patriots, and Baba’s loyalists, and we are determined to make our own
contribution. Why don’t you join us?”
“To go and kill rats
in Abuja?”
“Yes. Can’t you see that those rats are irresponsible
elements? The President travelled for three months and they just took over his
office, ate up the furniture in the office and now Baba has to work from home
for 3 months while his office would have to be renovated, all at public
expense.”
“How on earth would
rats invade the President’s office?”
“You like to ask questions. Garba Shehu, the President’s
spokesman and an experienced journalist who knows a story is not a story except
it is accurate has told us that they are having a problem with rats in the
Villa, who are you to doubt him? Have you been to the Villa before?”
“Yes.”
“So, join us. Those rats have crossed national red lines.
They must be destroyed relentlessly because they are terrorists and criminals.
They are in fact guilty of treasonable felony. What they have done is the
equivalent of an attempted coup d’etat! We, the concerned citizens, will not
take it. We have a duty to defend this democracy.”
“But why are you
bothering yourself? The President has met with the Security Chiefs. And he gave
them a marching order to ensure national security. They should know what to do”
“But did they obey the marching order? After their meeting
with the President, the other day, they just addressed a press conference and
returned to their offices. Not a word about the breach of national security by
rats. I was shocked. I expected the service chiefs to march straight to the
President’s office and deal with the rats with immediate effect. This is the
problem. Baba has around him, people who are not ready to help his
administration. Even the Generals, with all their epaulets and combat
experience, are running away from common rats! You now see why some of us have
decided to take up this matter as patriots?”
“I don’t think
anybody will allow you to take cats into the President’s office, though. That
may even be more of a threat to national security than the rats invasion.”
“Okay, what do you suggest, we go to the zoo and get lions,
jackals and hyenas to attack rats?”
“What will a lion do
with rats?”
“That is my point. It is actually a job for cats. Rats
flourish in the absence of cats. Don’t you know it is only when the cat is not
at home that rats become bold enough to take over the house? As the Yoruba
people put it, a i si nile ologinni, ile di ile ekute.”
“Abasi mbok. I could
never imagine that a day will come when Okon Calabar will take over Nigeria’s
seat of power.”
“Okon Calabar. Who is that?”
“Okon Calabar.
That is what we call rats in
Calabar. Okon Calabar is not an ordinary rat at all. It has the appetite of
about ten men. Have you ever seen a rat that has a pot belly, the effect of
pathological gluttony?”
“Jesus”
“That is Okon
Calabar. Not even rat poison can kill it. And your cats had better be capable.
Okon Calabar’s jaws are like this… strong, frightening. Ugh. In those days,
Okon Calabar’s specialty was the family pot of soup. If you left your soup pot
carelessly in the kitchen, Okon Calabar will lick all the soup and leave for
you a clean pot. The real story is that Okon Calabar has very strong
spiritual powers; it is an agent of demons and spirits.”
“Thank you. I think from now on, I will just be very
careful. Anybody at all who bears Okon whether a rat or a human being… You now
see why Baba had to abandon his office and work from home?”
“But is he actually
working from home? I think he is working from the office.”
“The same office where the rats have taken possession?”
“I saw the
photograph of the President’s meeting with the Service Chiefs. That is actually
not the office in the residence. The office in the residence is small and
private. I don’t know why we have to be told he is working from home, when he is actually using a second
office which is part of his main office.”
“The people working for him say he is working from home, you
say he is actually working from his office, another office. You and your
over-sabi.”
“Well, I may be
wrong. But the last administration extended the President’s office, by erecting
in the green space between the President’s office and the residence, a
mini-conference/banquet hall, which has a hall, a diplomatic reception room, a
fully fitted kitchen, a Presidential office, a stage, a control room, a
newsroom, and a broadcast room where the President can either record or have live
broadcast.”
“They may have changed the design of things since you last
visited the Villa. So you don’t know”
“But I saw the
photographs in the media. The office in that Presidential office extension is
just about 3 minutes walk from the residence. Once the President goes
there to hold meetings, he is already effectively in the office. And in any
case, was it even necessary to tell us the President is working from home or
that rats have chased him away from his office? If they want to change furniture,
let them do it. There is no point creating unnecessary news.”
“Your oversabi is getting too much these days.”
“Unnecessary news
always generates unnecessary questions. Now, we have been told that N2 billion
was actually earmarked for the cleaning and fumigation of the Villa. So, who is
responsible for keeping the Villa rodent-free?”
“N4 billion actually. I hear Julius Berger is in charge of
the maintenance of the Villa.”
“So, Julius Berger would
have to explain to Nigerians how rats invaded the President’s office. Is it
that they locked up the place and stopped cleaning it? Ordinarily, every part
of the Villa must be kept clean every day. I still don’t believe this rat
story. Rats in the President’s office? The BBC in its report was practically
laughing at Nigeria. I imagine when next any foreign diplomat is posted to
Nigeria, one of his briefing notes would be the need for him to watch out for
rats in the Villa. Oyinbo people too like akproko.”
“Do you want to keep writing an essay on this matter or you
want to join us? Any small thing, you will just start vibrating.”
“We need to raise
questions. But since you insist that the rats story must be true, could that also be
the reason why the Federal Executive Council meeting for this week was
cancelled?”
“I don’t think so. You should stop worrying about whether a
Council meeting is held or not. It is not an issue. There is nothing in the
Constitution that says FEC must meet every week or on any particular day. The
President can choose to hold cabinet meetings on a- need-arises-basis. It
is a matter of choice or style.”
“Okay, if I must
join your rat-catchers gang, what is in it for me?”
“Must you always expect to be paid for every service
rendered? We are a group of volunteer patriots going to Aso Rock to save it
from rats. Oh when the saints/Go marching in/Oh, when the saints go marching
in/Oh how I want to be in that number/When the saints go marching in/Oh when
the drums begin to bang…/I want to be in that number…. Are you joining us?”
“Wait first. I
think before we go to the Villa, we should take Lassa Fever vaccination as a
form of protection and candidly, I think everybody in that Villa should be
tested for Lassa fever. As you well know, rats are vectors of Lassa
fever.”
“I don’t think this matter is that serious.”
“Still, it is better
to take precautions. Doctors can be imported from either the UK or the US
or the Medecins san frontieres can be called in to help.”
“We have doctors in Nigeria who can administer vaccination
if need be.”
“Which Nigerian
doctors?”
“It is even the job of a nurse. Vaccination is a simple
procedure.”
“If you want me to
join the rat-catchers league of patriots, you will first arrange a trip for me to the UK to take a Lassa fever
injection, and then I will be prepared.”
“Obviously, you are also afraid of the rats, so, you have to
find an excuse to dodge. And to think I have a role for you in this
all-important and urgent national assignment.”
“What role?”
“I want you to be our Pied Piper.”
“Pied Piper. What is
that?”
“Don’t tell me you have never heard of the Pied Piper? The
Piped Piper of Hamelin”
“No. Why should I
know him? Does he know me too?”
“Kai. What are they teaching you people in school these
days? And you go about pretending to be educated? Kai. Well, I can’t blame you.
What should we expect when the universities are running epileptic programmes
and the teachers are on strike almost every year?”
“Don’t insult me.
What is your point?”
“Okay, I want you to be our Pied Piper, right? You will
dress up colourfully, and play a pipe, a flute or a saxophone or a mouth organ,
whichever one you can play. You will also carry our company colours”
“Are we a company
and what has colours got to do with it?”
“We are a brigade. In military terms, a brigade is also a
company. And when you go to war, you must carry your colours. That is
another word for the flag. In this case, you will carry the Nigerian flag.”
“But music? Why the
music?”
“The Pied Piper of Hamelin played music for the rats that
invaded Hamelin in medieval Germany, and led them out of the city and thus
saved Hamelin from an epidemic. But you are not going to play music for
the rats in Aso Villa. No. No. No. Our strategy is different. We are not going
to play music for those rodents and terrorists. We are going to destroy them.
The punishment for treason in Nigeria is death, not music. You will play music
for the kyanwas and muzuru, to motivate them.”
“And who are those?”
“Cats. Kyanwa- female cats; muzuru- male cats. We did some
research and found that cats respond positively to music. No stone will be left
unturned on this mission”
“So, how soon are we
storming Aso Villa? The whole thing is beginning to look interesting to me.”
“As soon as we finish working out the logistics. See, our
strategy is simple. The operation will be codenamed “Operation Kyanwa” by the
Hamelin Brigade. The cats will attack and destroy the rats. Then we will
fumigate the entire Villa. The furniture will be moved out and replaced. And by
God’s grace, the President can return to his Main office, by this time next
week, to continue the noble work of leading 190 million Nigerians, without any
threat from irresponsible rats.”
“Brilliant”
“I take it that you are with us, then.”
“Ye-s s-ir.”
“Thank you. Let us go and teach the Okon Calabars of Aso
Villa, a lesson. God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.”
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