“What’s gwan inna wa cwantry?”
“What language is that?”
“English of course.”
“Sounds like Creole to me. Why don’t you just talk
straight?”
“Nobody talks straight in this country anymore.”
“I still talk straight. I can’t start twisting my
tongue because some people have lost it.”
“Okay, I was asking what is going on in our country?”
“Is that a direct question or a sly comment?”
“Just answer the question”
“What I know is that we are now truly, a country of hyenas,
jackals and small animals. A big animal kingdom, but when the First
Lady Aisha Buhari drew attention to this, recently, we all
started screaming that she was rather condescending but right now, with what I
am seeing and hearing, I believe she will be vindicated in the long run.”
“I see.”
“We, the people are obviously the small animals. In an
animal kingdom, the bigger animals do what they like with the smaller ones, and
they dare not complain.”
“But you still haven’t answered my question”
“My friend, why must I always be the one to tell you what is
going on in this country? When you want to be mischievous, that is when you ask
funny questions. Are we not in this country together? Don’t you listen to the
news like everyone else? So, why should I become your newspaper and internet
combined. Stop it. But for just this last time, I will use my church mind to
tell you that the latest development is photography as a tool of governance.
Some APC Governors and party leaders just visited President Muhammadu
Buhari in London. They had lunch with him and took photographs.”
“I know about that. I actually saw the photos too. But the
whole thing doesn’t look straight to me.”
“It doesn’t look crooked to me either. People have been
complaining that the President of Nigeria is missing in action and they need to
know that he is still alive. So, they provide a photograph of him having lunch
with his party members and loyalists. How is that a problem for you? We should
be glad that the President is getting well.”
“Who took the photograph?”
“We are in a digital age. Anybody at all could have taken
the photograph?”
“You can’t just ask anybody to take the President’s
photograph. It is either you have a media crew on ground, who will take both
still and motion pictures, that is photos and videos, or you invite the media,
both local and foreign to capture the scene.”
“Who says that is the only way to cover a Presidential
occasion?”
“Everything a President does is supposed to be properly
documented.”
“What is your problem? They showed us the President having
lunch with his guests. And there was another photograph taken by the guests.”
“Where are the establishment shots, and the video, and the
audio?”
“Those people didn’t go there to establish anything. They
went to do eye-service!”
“You don’t get it. Rather than just show the President and
his guests at the dining table, they should have shown us the President
welcoming his guests, chatting with them, and NTA should have shown us an
actual video as part of the nine o’clock Network News. And what kind of
lunch was that? It looked like they just placed a bunch of banana in front of
the President and some fruits in front of the guests. I checked the table
carefully; every drink there is like anything from a Nigerian fridge. And not
even a small stain of oil on the table.”
“You were looking for stains on the table as proof that the
lunch actually took place? Did that look like a bukateria to you? Hen?
Obviously, the only thing you are used to is gbegiri and amala kind of lunch.
When big men eat, they don’t litter and stain their clothes and the table the
way small animals like you do. And their mouths don’t drop oil. If that
happens, there would be stewards to clean things up.”
“You are assuming some big men have table manners. You don’t
know anything. They should show us the video then, and more useful photographs.
And why didn’t the party leaders travel with the President’s media team and the
Minister of Information? All these dem say, dem say, Okorocha told
me. All of a sudden Okorocha has become the Minister of
Information. You think if they asked Alhaji Lai Mohammed to
also come and eat in London, he will say he is busy?”
“I see your problem is that some people had lunch with the
President.”
“Someone, in fact, told me that the picture looks very
familiar.”
“You may need to prove that.”
“Okay, Mrs Buhari also went to London to
visit her husband. Where are the photographs of her own visit? Why didn’t they
show a picture of her sitting with the President?”
“You are a foolish man. You want photos of the President and
his wife, sitting together in za ozza room? Candidly, tell me you are asking
for photographs from the Presidential ozza room? You are sick. No President
takes pictures in that other room.”
“Donald Trump will gladly take a picture
anywhere. You don’t get my point”
“I get your point. You are just another wailing wailer, a
merchant of lies and a mischief-maker. We know your type.”
“I am only trying to help. When you set out to tackle
disinformation, you look out for pitfalls that can create doubt and you deliver
a sucker-punch to shut people up. You don’t address an issue by creating more
doubts. I am talking strategy. All of this would also have been more convincing
if it was the picture of Acting President Osinbajo having
dinner or breakfast with the President in London that they showed us.”
“The acting President didn’t go to London to eat. He went
for serious business to consult with his boss. And what if he was fasting
at the time?”
“He could have posed for a photo-op with his boss.”
“He was in a hurry. He rushed to London and rushed out to
attend Council meeting on a Wednesday.”
“In a hurry to take a photograph to allay the anxiety of
Nigerians?”
“People like you would still have said the photograph looked
familiar.”
“Nigerians are not convinced. They would probably have
given Mrs. Buhari and the Acting President the benefit of the
doubt but they won’t believe what an APC Governor says. Okorocha ke?”.
“Oh ye descendants of Shimei!”
“Shimei? Who is Shimei?”
“You are a Christian and you have never heard of Shimei?”
“No.”
“Okay, just continue you hear. Just make sure you don’t lose
your head in the process. Just because we are in a democracy, you think you can
be questioning everything. Oh ye descendants of Shimei in Nigeria,
beware…beware!”
“I have an idea.”
“Yes?”
“See, I think the government can still score a
master-stroke, if they arrange for Femi Fani-Kayodeand Governor
Ayo Fayose to also go to London and have lunch with the President.
People are likely to believe the two of them. Fayose will then
use his own mouth to inform Nigerians that he made a mistake when he said the
President was on life-support and Fani-Kayode will recant and
both of them will apologise.”
“Clap for yourself. I see you truly consider yourself a
political strategist. So if you are working for President Buhari you
will actually invite those two Yorubas to lunch with the President while he is
on a medical vacation that is making everyone anxious.”
“Why not? The President is the President of everybody. He is
the President of all Nigerians not 95%. And if you are concerned about
those two being Yoruba, we can have a Federal character representation. They
can invite Nnamdi Kanu from the East and Alhaji
Balarabe Musa from the North. Lunch in London with Baba, an organised
event covered by the media.”
“Nnamdi Kanu! Did you say Nnamdi Kanu?
Are you on some kind of medication?”
“If the objective is to prove to Nigerians that the
President is not bed-ridden, he should have lunch with people Nigerians are
likely to believe.”
“So if Fani-Kayode, Fayose and Nnamdi
Kanu return from London and they decide to say something else, who
will bear the risk? Or they turn down the invitation on the grounds that it is
a calculated attempt by the Nigerian state to blackmail and poison them, who
will defend the Nigerian state?”
“You are giving the dog a bad name”
“Then it means you know nothing about politics.”
“I am not joking. I can even add one more person to the
list, how about the Catholic priest, Ejike Mbaka who claims he
has been hearing cries falling like rains in Aso Rock?”
“If Fr. Mbaka saw visions of cries and
rains, he probably saw the floods that are now ravaging the country from South
to North. But keep adding people. You can even add Hushpuppi, Maheeda and Bobrisky.
But I bet you will also be the first to complain that they are using
Nigerian or-yer-l money to have lunch in London.”
“In that case, let them just do a London edition of the
Presidential Media Chat.”
“Nobody is going to do any media chat. Nigerians must learn
to trust their government for once. When you go into government, people treat
you anyhow.”
“It is our government. We have the right to ask questions.
You can’t keep rejecting everything that I suggest. Okay, let the Nigerian High
Commission in London organize a Town Hall meeting between President
Buhari and Nigerians in the UK. That is a cost-effective way of
correcting impressions. Nigerians want to be sure that their President is well,
alive and fit. This thing is not rocket science and I trust our brothers and
sisters in diaspora to report the truth. ”
“You want to sabotage the President. You want him to
interact with PDP members in diaspora.”
“I never mentioned PDP. There are APC members in the UK too
and there are persons who have no political affiliation. Anyway, when is Baba
coming back?”
“When his doctors say so or according to Governor
Okorocha, in two weeks‘ time.”
“But the Constitution is very clear. It says…”
“Forget about the Constitution. This is national politics,
stability and security. We don’t care what the Constitution says. Be
careful, when Baba returns Insha Allah, something will definitely be done about
all you hyenas, jackals and small, small animals disturbing this government.
Insha Allah.”
“Stop bragging. There should be room in this your kingdom
for all animals please. Nobody should intimidate anybody. That is why I am
happy that the House of Representatives is now considering the
Not-Too-Young-To-Run Bill. They have reduced the minimum age for eligibility
for the office of President to 35.”
“Thirty-five. I don’t have a problem with that.”
“You shouldn’t. The only problem is that you are a fascist.
But there should be other bills: a Too-Old-To-Run bill that will prevent Aso
Rock from being turned into an Old People’s Home and a bill that says the
minimum qualification for anybody seeking any office, from councillor to
President should be a university degree or its equivalent.”
“What has a university degree got to do with politics and
governance?”
“Everything”
“Some of the worst people in this country are university
graduates. So?”
“You just keep disagreeing with everything. Okay, are you
aware that some people are now saying Nigeria is now definitely on auto-pilot?”
“Nigeria is not on auto-pilot. Professor Osinbajo is
in charge and all of you wishing us evil, just know that there will be serious
consequences.”
“What consequences? Threats. Threats. Threats. Government
cannot continue to threaten the people. It is just so sad that civil society
and the Nigerian media have been badly compromised. Where are the intellectuals
of old, the professional activists, the pro-democracy coalition; they are all
so quiet. I believe they are quiet out of shame and regret.”
“Nobody is ashamed. That is strategy. I am surprised you
can’t even identify strategy. You think this government will wait and fold its
arms and allow all of you to start sounding like paid enemies?”
“You and your people should just realize that this is a
democracy, and that someday, tomorrow will come and the people will remember.”
“Hey, sorry hen, wailing wailer. I see the thing is paining
you. For your information, Baba will win again in 2019.”
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