“ I hear we are no longer Nigeria, but the United States of
Nigeria”
“You didn’t hear anything. Stop being hypocritical, my
friend.”
“But the incumbent Minister of Sports is on record as having
said something like that”
“I know. That dumb Minister who wears the red cap that looks
like something taken and approved from a shrine?”
“Ye, that one, Solomon Dalung. The same one who is
mismanaging Nigeria’s trip to the Rio Olympics.”
“If he said that, it must have been a case of a slip of the
tongue. There are more important issues we should worry about, my friend. But
really, what is wrong with Nigeria being a United States of Nigeria? We should
actually be a United States, because if there is anything we need in this
country it is unity. I take it that the Minister was speaking loud. A case of
malapropism, no more no less…”
“What is that? Speak like a normal human being, this man, I
have always told you. Ma-la-pro-pri-sm.”
“A slip of the tongue, that is what it means, but in this case
a truthful slip right from the heart of serendipity. I actually think Nigeria
should be united.”
“Kai. Allahu Akbar. I think you are the real
hypocrite. People speak I know, but your own, you must use one big word to
confuse everybody. It is a national problem, any day. Nobody talks straight in
Nigeria, anymore. You either have to use wisdom or carry a dictionary. They say
one thing today. Tomorrow, they say another thing. You, you have joined
them. Even Nigerian economy sef, has become magic. ”
“Can you just calm down? The Minister wanted to refer to the
United States of America. But he mentioned Nigeria. You can’t crucify him
for that. It shows he means well for Nigeria. It means Nigeria is on his
mind. I have no problem with that.”
“But he is not doing well. He is a misfit as Sports
Minister. President Buhari should fire him”
“You have a girlfriend problem with him?”
“No. He has mismanaged the Sports Ministry and exposed this
country to gross ridicule.”
“How?”
“You are asking how? Have you not been following the
disgraceful trip of the Nigerian Team to the 2016 Olympics in Rio? First,
the Team members could not get a ticket to travel. Many of them went on social
media to start soliciting for help. We must be the only country in the world
whose contingent went to Rio 2016, as a team of beggars. Even the soccer team
was stranded in Atlanta. They got to Brazil through the philanthropy of Delta
Airlines.”
“The country is in recession, technically and officially.
Philanthropy is welcome.”
“Then, we have no business going to the Olympics. We should
not become a nation of beggars.”
“We are begging because some people stole all the
money in four years.”
“That’s a cheap comment. Money was voted for the 2016
Olympics. The Minister owes us an explanation. What happened to the money? That
is the issue.”
“Apparently there is no money to fund the 2016 Olympics.”
“I don’t accept that. The President has shown that he loves
and supports sports. One of the first things he did on assumption of office was
to honour a sports team that did well when he was Head of State as a military
man to correct an old omission. He has also since congratulated the Nigerian
soccer team that got to Brazil by sheer accident. Those boys beat jet lag,
walloped the Japanese 5-4 and registered Nigeria’s presence. The President has
urged them to go ahead and win gold. I believe President Buhari is putting his
mouth where Nigerian money is. Mark it, when all of this is over, some heads
will roll. The President cannot be supporting a project and some characters
will be busy putting the country to shame.”
“Insha Allah, Solomon Dalung and his people must be made to
account for the money for the Rio Olympics. If they chop am, they must vomit.
As it is, nobody can blame our representatives in Brazil, and the Olympics, so
important for national pride. People are making sacrifice, the Sports Minister
is busy forming and foaming.”
“Did you even see the track suits that the Nigerian
contingent wore during the opening ceremony? Nigerian went to the Rio
Olympics in borrowed clothes. They looked like they went for training,”
“Allahu Akbar”
“We were the most unprepared nation during the opening
ceremony, the laughing stock of the entire world. Even countries that don’t
have oil appeared better. You don’t need to win any medal, but during the
opening ceremony, you can show some swag and win an undeclared gold medal.
Nigeria was just not there. And yet in 2012, we shook body. Now, something is
truly wrong.
“Change! But I have no problem with the cheap
tracksuits. It could have been worse if the Nigerian team had won the masquerade
attire that had been originally planned for the event. Those cheap and stupid
attires were forgotten and left behind in Nigeria. If we had used those
original costumes, we would have looked so bad; every Nigerian would have
concluded that something has truly gone wrong. “
“I believe President Buhari is watching. After this
Olympics, some people have to be flogged for embarrassing the country.
The people who collected money and didn’t pay for air travel, for example. The
people who collected money for opening ceremony masquerade attires and thought
they could swindle us with track suits, the Minister who doesn’t know that the
Olympics is important and the charlatans who tell us that it is perfectly
normal for Nigeria to go to the Olympics with thoroughly discouraged athletes.
Their punishment is still busy doing press ups in Daura, by the time it reaches
Abuja, the Olympics will be over.”
“I don’t expect that if any Nigerian wins a medal at the
Olympics, there will be any moral right to present that medal to
the President of Nigeria.”
“I am convinced that those athletes in Rio believe that they
are there on their own, not for Nigeria. That is why there are press up things
currently getting ready in Daura. You want to bet? ”
“Sad.”
“But there is a good side to it, though”
“Which is?”
“One point is that Nigeria saved a lot of money.”
“How?”
“Anybody wey wan do Olympics, make him or her find way.
Shikena. And if you win anything . you are on your own.”
“No. That is not state policy.”
“But it may be a sanctioned strategy. In the face of
official and technical indifference, you can see that nobody that is
suspiciously important went for the Opening ceremony of the Rio Olympics. If it
were in the past, Nigeria would have had the largest delegations at both the
opening and closing ceremonies. Governors, Senators, DGs, all sorts, big people
chopping money, accompanied by girlfriends to watch show and spend public
money. You hear say any Governor don go Rio Olympics? Make dem try now, make we
see. That is why I am reluctant to call for Solomon Dalung’s head. The bush man
knows what he is facing.”
“But how about the International Olympics Committee?”
“I am also surprised that they are silent. But you know we
are in the era of change. Everything has changed, including Nigeria’s Olympics
participation.”
“The IOC is dead?”
“I don’t know. May be they won’t be dead if there was no
forex problem.”
“Hello?”
“I am saying I am not sure any member of IOC can make it to
Rio. The only people who can travel right now are the people going on
pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia from Nigeria. If the athletes can’t travel due
to financial constraints, so why should the IOC members travel?”
“Wahala dey oh”
“I think everything has to do with foreign exchange and the
dollar”
“Is that what you think?”
“More or less.”
“But I hear there is forex deal for people going on
pilgrimage? The black market rate is N400, but privileged persons going to the
Hajj get it for N197 to the dollar. Right now, you only need to go to the Hajj”
“Right now, I want to be a Muslim”.
“Is that why you have been saying Allahu Akbar?”
“My brother, this is the era of change. Man must have sense.
At this moment I am a Muslim.”
“I don’t get it. Didn’t they tell us that religion is a
personal thing? And that government will not fund pilgrimages? And that
things have changed?”
“Don’t you know government policy on pilgrimage right now
will create many billionaires? All the government big men who send people on
pilgrimage will make money through forex deals. Big money. Talk sense, I beg.”
“Hmmm”
“In fact, I am now a Muslim. And I want to travel to Saudi
Arabia”
“ I hear it is a standard policy from which Christians can
also benefit.”
“Yes. When that time comes, I’ll also become a Christian
again.”
“Bad. We can’t have a country where people just switch and
wheel and deal. The people who should benefit from this kind of policy are
people who have children in foreign universities, people who are running
businesses and can add value, people who are truly Nigerian.”
“Sorry, then, but this is where we are. Fact. Reality.”
“No. This is not about fact or reality. It is about the
truth.”
“Tell me about the truth.”
“The simple truth is that people going on pilgrimage should
not enjoy forex concessions while industries that create jobs cannot enjoy
enjoy the same privilege. What is more important?”
“Hmmm. It even looks like the whole thing is a conspiracy
against parents who have children schooling abroad. Pilgrims can get cheap
forex but parents trying to produce better citizens can’t? Industries are
dying. I don’t get it too. Nonsense CBN policy. “
“Get it. It is cheaper today to go on pilgrimage than to
produce toothpick. That is the way of government policy.”
“Je-su-s Christ!”
“What? It is obvious you won’t make it to Saudi Arabia with
cheap forex.”
“Allahu Akbar!”
“Can you just shut up?”
“I believe in change. And I am glad we are a United States
of Nigeria.”
“We are not! Shut the hell up!”
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